What is it about?
People are often reluctant to discuss negative issues or concerns they have in a relationship, instead choosing to "kick the can" down the road and avoid having these hard conversations. Avoiding these conversations harms relationships because these issues fester and remain unresolved. We find that the fears that keep people from having these conversations, though, are misplaced. When recalling these confrontations, or actually confronting a relationship partner in an actual conversation, we find that those who are confronting another person underestimate how positively these conversations will go. Many people may be avoiding confrontations that would improve relationships because they misunderstand how positive they will actually be.
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Why is it important?
All relationships involve some degree of conflict or disagreement. Avoiding these conflicts or disagreements creates misunderstanding and harms the quality of our relationships that are so critical for our happiness and health. Our research suggests that people are needlessly avoiding some conversations that would their relationships stronger, and increase both their own and their relationship partners' happiness.
Perspectives
(From Nicholas Epley) Too often people hold back in their relationships, whether at work or with friends or with their spouses and romantic partners, because they fear that having a difficult conversation will harm their relationship. Our research makes is clear that the fears we have about speaking up in our relationships and sharing our concerns and issues can be a mistake. Confronting someone in a relationship about something that is bothering you is critical for resolving the issue and strengthening the relationship in the long run. Knowing that these conversations are likely to be better received by those we're connected to has helped me in many ways be more direct and honest with those I'm connected to, meaning that I've personally felt the results of our research many times. Knowing that the fears I have are likely to be misplaced doesn't mean that I no longer feel anxious about having a hard conversation, but rather that I know those anxieties are likely to be off, encouraging me to be more open, direct, and honest that I might have been otherwise. My relationships have benefited accordingly.
Nicholas Epley
University of Chicago
Read the Original
This page is a summary of: Surprisingly good talk: Misunderstanding others creates a barrier to constructive confrontation., Journal of Experimental Psychology General, January 2024, American Psychological Association (APA),
DOI: 10.1037/xge0001528.
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